I used to think that God was "out there", perfect, all-knowing, the "source" of all that is, the One who created me. And I was a separate person, suffering, tortured, conflicted, and yearning for release. My relationships with other people seemed to exaggerate my separateness. So I courted a relationship with God, through prayer and meditation, in hopes that He would lead me along a path to liberation and wholeness. So He lead me along a path: there were many gurus, teachers, and spiritual practices, all leading me to the realization of non-duality, that God was not out there and I was not separate, that I am Him and He is me, that there is only ONE, and that I am already THAT and always have been THAT, that THIS is IT!
In this prayer I describe how this realization came to me:
Oh Lord,
My Lord,
My very Own,
My Self,
How can it be...?
I know I owe my life to "You",
But still I think of "me".
I know You are the Only ONE,
but still I'm on the run!
Where can I go?
What can I do?
It always comes back to You!
So why do I even try in so many ways
to escape Your gaze?
All the while I know You're there,
patiently waiting for me
to open my eyes and "see"
my own Real Face
in your eyes
reflected back to me.
In that Face I know I'll see...
my emptiness and purity.
In that Face I know I'll see...
my formlessness and totality.
In that Face I know I'll see...
my timelessness and Eternity.
In that Face I know I'll see...
Only YOU...
Not me.
Problem is "me" keeps coming back insisting that I still have to navigate this world of duality and the non-dual "ONE" can't help me. But then again whatever "I" decide to do it ends up being one with the ONE any way. So it doesn't matter what I end up doing, whether I think it's me doing it or the ONE doing it or no one doing it, it all comes to the same end: THIS....THIS IS IT! "Doing" just happens!
So I tell myself "just do your best... whatever way you choose to go, you can't go wrong".
"Me" is just a convenient illusion anyway. Me or not me it's still ends up being THIS.... this indescribable, ever-present, unfolding mystery!
And paradoxically "me" still seems to need an on-going relationship with God. As long as I'm operating as a separate person in the world I need Him by my side. He comforts "me"...even though I know there really is no He and there really is no me.
Non-duality is "not" a comfort to "me".... it's the end of me! In reality there "is" no me... but I don't seem to live in reality. I seem to live in a dream: "A Dream of Me". I want to wake up and I don't want to wake up... that's the dilemma.
So I'll keep watching your videos, Emerson. And I'll keep attending your Sunday Zoom meetings.
Thank you, Emerson, for giving me a place to go where waking up is encouraged, where being awake is the norm, where being awake is actually happening...
Geoffrey Carlitz
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